I have a tendency to think about certain things, only causing me to break down, when I break down I feel that the only thing that will make me better is physical pain, more specifically the pain of a knife going into my skin, cutting. As much as my boyfriend wanted me to talk to him about things instead of hurting myself, I couldn’t, I had trouble, I kept everything bottled up, only making things worse. All of this happening made me feel like a horrible person, made me feel worthless, made me feel like nothing could get better. Holding back tears was always hard for me at times like this.

But yesterday, after breaking down, and hurting myself once more, my boyfriend took my knife from me, and at first I didn’t care, I felt that it needed taken away, but before I left I fought with him to get it back, I wanted it back so bad, to the point that I started freaking out, stressing, clawing at myself, and as hard as I tried my boyfriend kept it from me, and wouldn’t let me get a hold of it. I finally gave up, sitting on the floor in front of him, tears were still falling, and I was breathing heavily. I apologized for freaking out, and having a random burst of anger emotion, and it made me realize I need to learn to control my emotions. I need to make changes to myself, I need to find the better part of me, where cutting isn’t something I’ll resort to, and fighting with my boyfriend or my parents isn’t something  I’ll find necessary, it’ll be something I will refrain from doing.

I will start to try and open up to my boyfriend more, now that I don’t have my knife, now that I won’t feel as if cutting is the only thing that’ll help me, I will try to go to him, or any of my really close friends when I need someone to talk to, someone to rant to. But I will try to go to my boyfriend more, since I need to open up more to him and be able to talk to him about anything and everything without hesitation. 

I love him to death, he means everything to me, and I don’t want to lose him, so I will change, I will open up more, and I will stop fighting with him. I will believe in myself, and I will have hope that I can do this, that I can change my ways.

*Le rant over*